Posted on Jan. 31,2011 @ focusontheheart.org
When we decide to stop fearing, we can begin to learn.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls." ~ Matthew 11:29
Yes, with the intent to learn we become the peacemakers that we ought to be as the children of God. There's only one response in a conflict that breaks the barrier and opens the door to intimacy; an intent to learn. When I say this, what do I mean by an intent to learn? It's a willingness to be open and vulnerable; to feel our feelings directly rather than through a filter of our protections and then we will discover why each of us is feeling and behaving as we do. We begin an exploration into the discovery of finding the answers to such questions as:
* What important reasons does my spouse have for behaving that way.
* What part do I play in this problem?
* How's is my spouse's behavior affecting me?
* Why does it affect me that way? What personal issues does it stir up?
* Why is it so important to get my way , or to be right?
* What fears, values, expectations and beliefs lie behind my feeling threatened or irritated?
* How does my anger, irritation or indifference affect my spouse?
* How does my spouse respond?
* What are the consequences?
Searching questions such as these may succeed in breaking through deeply entrenched battle lines. Seeing conflict as an opportunity rather than as a calamity puts it in a new light. You may think it sounds ridiculous (maybe impossible) to face emotional pain willingly. But it does make sense. Our protection against physical pain is a physiological response (fight or flight syndrome), but protecting against emotional pain is a pattern learned in childhood, once necessary for a child's survival, but no longer productive for adults. Most of us still react to conflict in our childhood patterns. Being open in a conflict is the only way we can learn what the conflict has to teach us and unlearn out self-limiting protections.
When we stop blaming our spouse, we assume responsibility for our own lives. We are willing to be vulnerable and to risk feeling and expressing pain. When our spouse joins us in the task of learning, we begin to understand ourselves and our spouse more deeply. Understanding each other naturally gives us deeper feelings for each other.
"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart:
and ye shall find rest unto your souls." ~ Matthew 11:29
Yes, with the intent to learn we become the peacemakers that we ought to be as the children of God. There's only one response in a conflict that breaks the barrier and opens the door to intimacy; an intent to learn. When I say this, what do I mean by an intent to learn? It's a willingness to be open and vulnerable; to feel our feelings directly rather than through a filter of our protections and then we will discover why each of us is feeling and behaving as we do. We begin an exploration into the discovery of finding the answers to such questions as:
* What important reasons does my spouse have for behaving that way.
* What part do I play in this problem?
* How's is my spouse's behavior affecting me?
* Why does it affect me that way? What personal issues does it stir up?
* Why is it so important to get my way , or to be right?
* What fears, values, expectations and beliefs lie behind my feeling threatened or irritated?
* How does my anger, irritation or indifference affect my spouse?
* How does my spouse respond?
* What are the consequences?
Searching questions such as these may succeed in breaking through deeply entrenched battle lines. Seeing conflict as an opportunity rather than as a calamity puts it in a new light. You may think it sounds ridiculous (maybe impossible) to face emotional pain willingly. But it does make sense. Our protection against physical pain is a physiological response (fight or flight syndrome), but protecting against emotional pain is a pattern learned in childhood, once necessary for a child's survival, but no longer productive for adults. Most of us still react to conflict in our childhood patterns. Being open in a conflict is the only way we can learn what the conflict has to teach us and unlearn out self-limiting protections.
When we stop blaming our spouse, we assume responsibility for our own lives. We are willing to be vulnerable and to risk feeling and expressing pain. When our spouse joins us in the task of learning, we begin to understand ourselves and our spouse more deeply. Understanding each other naturally gives us deeper feelings for each other.
Together we will create Intimate Love and an Evolving Relationship.
No comments:
Post a Comment